Grumps and rants

The new year has begun. I feel filled with high hopes, which hasn't been a forte of mine since as long as I could remember. I know I know, this isn't quite me and not what I had something in my mind after tumultuous 2018. 2018 was year with a different set of hurdles and I went with them sometimes sideways, at times along with them, and if psyche abandoned me so did I the troubling thing. I struggled with new job for the first half of 2018. It takes around six to eight months to learn the ropes at new position, manage expectations, set expectations with self and maintain the spirits having defeating challenges which seemed insurmountable once.   Besides work and apart from regular hiccups I'd my share of issues with life of looking bride which has been an untamable task so far. Situation looks grim at times, at times OK and at times stale, and again rejuvenated. It's a tough call to make. It's not easy to decide and look through the next years how this is goin...

It's been awhile I wrote something. I didn't enjoy staying away from blog. Mornings were pumped with a torrent of thoughts, many days. Missed penning them down. Anyway, I moved to NJ, close to NYC for new job. Changed place, changed friend(s), wallet, recently got a new laptop finally, new various other things. The transition was much needed, indeed. A week back or so unpacked things that were in boxes for a over a month, got rid of tonnes of papers that I've been carrying since 2013. Long time I know. Never got chance to look into them. Inertia is within me is strong to not rattle things, make changes. That fear of making things bad, breaking persists, lives inside me. I'm still trying to get hold of all the changes: commute, cooking, lunch box, knowing bus terminal, shuttle drop-offs. It's overwhelming. At work I've found the groove but things are still settling; just assembled my chair, got external monitor a few days back. New machine is pending, still. ...

For the last time I'm sitting in my endeared balcony. I guess enjoying noise from planes in the sky, sirens from ambulances. Night is beautifully pleasant, close to full moon, breezy. Wrapped in my thoughts, few brooded upon, reliving good memories, burying the heart wrenching ones (Arlington Cemetery is close by). Gazing at small whatsoever Virginia skyline with clear head, empty mind like a clean slate. One on which anything could be etched and everything could be erased, again and again. I am going to miss balcony for an indefinite period of time. My body is aching and eyes are heavy from all the packing, cleaning. Am moving. This is figuratively and literally, both. I'm moving to the world's financial capital and moving on in my life, further and farther. DC had been the city where I resided, lived more than eighteen months in last more than half-a-decade. I can't believe myself it's been really a long time of more than two and half years. Years pass by but no...

I jostle with numerous things, things that are like cake walk for many. I merely can't figure or make up my mind. It takes me time to convince myself, to gather my thoughts and make route through them. As in whence I'm jabbing keys on this laptop for blogging I've to make some outline of the post, some times it's like a fog, few times I write in multiple seatings, edit, review and again consolidate thoughts. The picture is hazy, where to start, where to end is unclear.  A decade or so back I was prepping for an entrance exam and during one of the classes we were told physics is about feel. If you can't get it then it is going to be hard. I didn't understand it for many months until practising tens of questions, writing tests I consistently scored in single digits. Later on I quit preparations for the exam and aimed lower for I realized I'm unable to get idea of things quickly, as was needed.  I realized and practised this thoroughly yet I haven't sto...

Why we hurt people we love most? Why do we say unbearable things that we didn't mean to? Why we say painful things to people we care most? What is it that fires up within urging to sow venomous seeds in the hearts of people you value the most? How do we come up with mettle to utter most agonizing, tormenting words to people who respect you more than anything else? Why don't we understand that it's easy to lose, hurt people than to get along with most beautiful memories of your lifetime? Why is it not easy to let go people and things you wished for? Why is it that there are scars for deeds that got unintentionally done? How do we sleep with thorns in soul after rending apart hearts of people who mean everything? Why don't we accept things as is and let things fall their own way than relentlessly rescuing them to not to fall in the cracks? Why is it there's irreparable damage done even when the desire was sinless? Why is there a hope within us that's c...

Over the last few months search is a suitable word, if at all, to summarize my thoughts. Apart from actual work I'm held up with things that keep my routine off the balance. Search for a right measure of red chilly powder. It still evades me honestly, its disproportionate quantity never stops me to try another pinch of it whilst cooking. Some times the powder changes, other times, dish gets changed, seldom both changed together. My quest for right number of laps in swimming pool that neither leaves me too tired, neither have me wanting to exercised more, is still ongoing. Although I think I'm good with the time for brisk walk. I baffle with the right quantity of food to cook. My tiny palms don't get it right on quantity. Unfailingly food is more than it was thought to last. Shoes I'm yet to buy another pair of running shoes, apparently, don't like the ones available in store. Person, or company, this search looks to have been ongoing for a duration more than I co...

I think my blog shall be incomplete should I don't dedicate a post to Mumbai. Mumbai; I can go on and on about this city, where I spent nearly 2 years. There is so much spoken, written about Mumbai. City that attracts people, thrives on thriving people. People drive crazy to it and it also drives people crazy. Jobs, money, entertainment, travel, food, fashion, a city that ousts everyone in every possible dimension, absorbs anyone from anywhere, a host of million dreams, giving rise to million other dreams. Mumbai, city of dreams, is known to many of us through the lens of cinema. Portrayal of Mumbai is with many Hindi movies begin. Shoehorned slums, packed local trains, Juhu beach, Nariman point with many other spots covered that are heart and soul of this vibrant city. Bollywood has its own major role in making this city immensely popular. Umpteen movie and TV stars reside here. It still pulls many aspirants providing a platform to get a foothold in the (in?)famous industry....

A lot has changed since the time we've moved to new office. Fridays tend to get bit desolate as the week prepares for week-end. Few weeks back I was going nuts with deadlines of performance review. As scheduled I had a call with supervisor which went fine. Tiny tweaks here and there things got streamlined. I was about to wrap up from work then I heard foot steps and few chatters. Upon looking, I see dean of the department with 2 more persons. She knocks on couple of office doors to see anyone is there, but I told her none is around and are working from so and so place. With a bit disappointment she manages to pull herself and talk with other 2 people. Shows the terrace area and was about to leave. Upon looking closely I realize the person she is with is a billionaire. But to me a billionaire is all fancy person with suit and bells and whistles. This person outrightly dismissed my view of a billionaire. Whilst I'm still in shock billionaire exchanged pleasantries addressing ...

There is always a lurking thought in mind to reach certain height. For few it may be top level in firm, or stardom, or financial stability, or getting along with physical, or mental disability. And as and when these milestones are achieved, bar is raised to another level and endeavors start pouring in respective direction. Perhaps, that is how one keeps on striving and get the going? This post of mine doesn't cover any such aspect of life but is about my recent trip inside the Washington Monument. I had booked ticket 1.5-2 months online prior to my visit. I wanted to reach there before dusk hours but at the same time not in DC heat. Keeping everything in check I planned it for August 5, Friday evening. The weather was really nice by the time I entered monument and it got beautiful by exit hours. Elevator takes you to the top. You can spend any amount of time until closing. Upon reaching there you will notice big red blinking lights present, which are visible from any part of DC...

I wake up in the middle of night to hear someone call me from another room. I wake up in the middle of night to have someone ask if I'm doing fine, and allay me to sleep back. I wake up to pull my blanket, to wrestle it with myself. I wake up in the middle of night to see if the night has been crawling toward twilight. I wake up from my nightmares. I wake up to gulp down water even though I'm not thirsty. I wake up to see someone has texted, mailed, pinged. I wake up in the middle of night to wait for the dawn to hit, and have me out of the bed, to get me away from the abysmally long nights. I wake up to see if the clock hands can have me wait more before I begin my day. I wake up in the middle of night to listen to the deafening silence broken by clock's second hand. I wake up to see if it is still snowing out there. I wake up to see if the rain will stop before I walk out for the work. I wake up to shut off the cooling. I wake up to see if I've missed anyone's c...

This year Olympics will be organized in Rio. With all support, and positive vibes in media, social networks Indians are wishing, and aiming for a tally of 10 than 6 of last Olympics. Media flooded with greetings on qualifying of Dipa Karamakar in Gymnasts for Rio-16. A true moment of happiness, whence hard work, sweat and blood meet a coveted spot for a sports person. She is the first Indian woman to enter in gymnasts. A moment of pride for the nation, indeed. Warm wishes from the legendary God of Cricket - Sachin Tendulkar were relayed. Moments like these throw a tide of inspiration of many other athletes, and people whom nation doesn't know, and hear of. Boosts morale for sports persons to continue to persevere, and sweat out with one goal irrespective of the failures, and hurdles.  Running out of romantic, Hollywood, and South Indian movie scripts Indian cinema has of late shedded light on sports through biopics on Milkha Singh, Paan Singh Tomar, Mary Kom among few others. I...

Oft has been said books are the best friends. Little was understood of this before I started reading, or made reading as my hobby habit. Alike many other things this wasn't done in a fortnight, or single handedly. Back, as in once upon a time: that long back we were highly encouraged by one school teacher of ours to improve English, for she was teaching French, and unless we don't know what a verb (an example) is, and if a word in French is a verb, then it gets 2 levels difficult to demystify a thing. First know what is Verb, then understand what that verb means in English. Ugh.!! Never did I understand nothing of these things much save to eat, to sleep, to see, so on and so forth words. Over the span of the course she tried with her blood and sweat to instill to improve our English, but we were "we" after all: all in vain that time. Seldom we were told meaning in Hindi, for that would have beat the purpose of her teaching French for she was there to teach Frenc...

Long ago, had someone would've asked me - what I'd like to be in my life; like many others after marveling at the trail of an airplane in a cloudless blue sky I'd have said a pilot, or after watching couple of shows on Discovery channel, may be an astronaut without knowing what I'd have to study, where I'd have to travel to acquire certain expertise. Over the passing by of next couple of years and the meteoric rise and rise of the God of cricket, I'd have said I want to be a cricketer, and bat like Sir SRT. As time and people change, so do the goals. Mine changed, too. Later on, I aimed to be a a computer geek thanks to Hollywood flicks. It is really hard to not to stray. But, something else was in store for me - I got my bachelors and later on a masters in an interdisciplinary field which spans through Biology, Maths, and Computer skills. There I was, equipped with something less heard of, never thought of, yet I landed onto an unknown territory.  Eventually...

This is not what I had signed up for. Alas, what is the worth of it doing!? After all, why do it? What would I accomplish from this? Is this what I'm ..., with that I fling another swearing.  Hurling more curses, adjusting and kicking on the chair, I try to focus on my monitor screen,  an over illuminated one. Monitor so agonizingly bright that I might want to wear sun glasses and work for some time, and perhaps hide swollen eyes which refused to open up on the name of Monday. Yikes!! With that, Monday for most, if not all, begins a gory first day of the week. May Lord help to elucidate what went over Sunday that drove to such an awful worn-out yet sunny, and shiny Monday. Having unable to demystify of went past day, I pour a hot brewing cup of coffee. Savoring it, stirring melting the un-melted sugar, gazing at it - forcing my eyes to adjust, smelling, soaking in the bean smell mustering power to beat numbness.  Despite futile attempts, trudging into the black h...

Lets go and meet other friend(s). Seat back on scooty and hold firmly. Just don't tilt toward right when I am speeding . Trrrrrringgg!  This music is nice.   Where is this sound coming from?   Sound  emanates, incessantly, until you figure out the source, its your wise and deadly alarm. Never it misses to barge in your  dear  sleep. You got to wake up. Cursing why you had set up alarm in half awakened state, with that vanishes away your dream. You rarely see these days, don't you ? Hands desperate to press any button that can mute it, snap, you pull back blanket and start thinking about the dream again. Ensconced as if you will never have to wake up, but never does that happen, back again, this time the evil alarm drags you back from your delightful sleep. Heck , how many alarms did I set up?     10 minutes, that little duration is the one we relish, we set out alarm 10 mins before, we owe ourselves that sleep. After all the dreams we see...