Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Standing in snow

It was snowing in morning. Light snow flakes, ones hampering your visibility, intermittently falling on eyelashes, melting on eye-glasses. The chills weren't there, it was cold. Such mornings make my knees go weak. It's not the work, or routine, it's the moment I want to sit in my room, gaze outside, see the town get coated in white dust. I get overwhelmed by these moments. Rush to work, lines on the forehead, thoughts in the subconscious mind fade away. It was similar to stomping my heart for something I cared less.

I breathed in the cold air, stood in the snow at station close to office, smiled and braced self for the day ahead.



Sunday, December 31, 2017

Books read so far

I've been maintaining a separate file for all the books I've read, seems tedious to keep it now. For good I'm going to list all the books I've read until now. They are going to overlap with the ones I'd shared recently. I can't say I've read the most fancy, or the most-read ones but the variety grew as I grew (older) or I could lay my hands upon. In no particular order they are:
  1. Angels and demons by dan brown
  2. Romance with chaos by nishant kaushik
  3. Complete sherlock holmes by sir arthur conan doyle
  4. The monk who sold his ferrari
  5. The verdict - John grisham
  6. Tell me your dreams - Sidney sheldon
  7. Harry Potter: The Philosopher's Stone 
  8. One night at call center
  9. Godfather
  10. Five point some one
  11. Master of the game - sidney sheldon
  12. The sky is falling- sidney sheldon
  13. Digital fortress- by dan brown
  14. Three mistakes of my life
  15. Any thing for you ma'am
  16. Eleven minutes- Paulo Coelho
  17. Blood line-  Sidney sheldon
  18. Oliver's story - Eric sehgal
  19. Love story - Eric sehgal
  20. Katie's will - Sidney sheldon
  21. Deception point
  22. The sicilian
  23. The alchemist
  24. I too had a love story
  25. Two states
  26. The lake house
  27. The lost symbol
  28. The white tiger
  29. Joker in the pack
  30. The associate
  31. The gift
  32. The picture of dorian gray : oscar wilde
  33.  Honour among the thieves by jeffrey archer
  34. Kane and abel by jeffrey archer
  35. The prodigal daughter by jeffrey archer
  36. Not a penny less not a penny more by jeffrey archer
  37. Wings of fire by A P J Abdul Kalam
  38. The world is flat - Thomas L. Freidman
  39. Connect the dots - Rashmi Bansal
  40. The immortals of Meluha - Amish
  41. The secret of nagas - Amish
  42. The TCS Story by S. Ramodorai
  43. The Summons - John Grisham
  44. The Black Swan - Nicholas
  45. The Bourne Identity -  Robert Ludlum
  46. The Chamber - John Grisham
  47. The King of torts - John Grisham
  48. Shantaram
  49. The bourne Supremacy -  Robert Ludlum
  50. The Suspect - Michael Robotham
  51. The Little Prince - Antoine de saint exupery 
  52. The Inferno by Dan Brown
  53. The difficulty of being good. Gurcharan Das
  54. Fifty shades of grey
  55. Fifty shades darker
  56. Fifty shades freed
  57. Atlas Shrugged
  58. Harry Potter: The Chamber of Secrets 
  59. Harry Potter: The Prisoner of Azkaban 
  60. Harry Potter: The Goblet of Fire
  61. Harry Potter: The Order of the Phoenix 
  62. Harry Potter: The Half-Blood Prince 
  63. Harry Potter: The Deathly Hallows 
  64. Gone with the wind
  65. The hobbit
  66. Fellowship of the ring
  67. The Two towers
  68. The return of the King
  69. Fountain head
  70. Catch-22
  71. Surely, you're joking Mr. Feynman
  72. Barnaby Grimes phantom of blood alley
  73. Anna Karenina
  74. City of thieves
  75. Night by Elie wiesel translation by Marion wiesel
  76. Rape of nanking the forgotten holocaust of world war II
  77. Dawn by Elie Weisel
  78. Animal Farm
  79. Old man and sea by Ernest Hemingway
  80. Day by Elie Weisel
  81. Of mice and men
  82. Now the Hell will start One Soldier's Flight from the greatest manhunt of world War II Brendan I. Koerner
  83. To kill a mocking bird
  84. The martian by Andy weir
  85. The Media Monopoly   
  86. The Grapes of wrath
  87. Khaled Hosseini - Thousand Splendid Suns
  88. The heart divided by mumtaz
  89. Train to Pakistan
  90. The namesake
The formatting isn't of the top, but it serves the purpose.
Ninety isn't a good count by any measure. I'd be joyous to see it reaches 100 in 2018.

Books in 2017

Tonight marks the end of year 2017. I'm at rest with the year-end and at peace how things have shaped up. I've few good news for the year-end; holidays are all lightened up for me. It's hard for me to express my solace with recent developments.
Keeping the spirits high I'm listing books I read in 2017 as I'd done for 2016:
  1. Anna Karenina translated by Constance Garnett
  2. City of thieves
  3. Night by Elie Wiesel translation by marion wiesel 
  4. Rape of Nanking the forgotten holocaust of world war II
  5. Dawn by Elie Wiesel
  6. Animal farm
  7. Old man and sea by Ernest Hemingway
  8. Day by Elie Wiesel
  9. Of mice and men
  10. Now the Hell will start One Soldier's Flight from the greatest manhunt of world War II  by Brendan I. Koerner
  11. To kill a mocking bird
  12. The martian by Andy Weir
  13. The Media Monopoly   
  14. The Grapes of wrath
  15. Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini 
  16. The heart divided by Mumtaz
  17.  Train to Pakistan
  18.  The Namesake
  19.  The girl with the dragon tattoo    
This list looks impressive to me. I'd read six books yesteryear, can't say I did a bad job in 2017. I may say I accomplished my new-year resolution with full resolve. Following year I'm going to move away from reading, not much, but will definitely cut down.
Currently, I'm reading Sharp Objects by G. Flynn, which I'm not enjoying much.

Happy new year to everyone! :)  

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Another move

It's been awhile I wrote something. I didn't enjoy staying away from blog. Mornings were pumped with a torrent of thoughts, many days. Missed penning them down.
Anyway, I moved to NJ, close to NYC for new job. Changed place, changed friend(s), wallet, recently got a new laptop finally, new various other things. The transition was much needed, indeed. A week back or so unpacked things that were in boxes for a over a month, got rid of tonnes of papers that I've been carrying since 2013. Long time I know. Never got chance to look into them. Inertia is within me is strong to not rattle things, make changes. That fear of making things bad, breaking persists, lives inside me.

I'm still trying to get hold of all the changes: commute, cooking, lunch box, knowing bus terminal, shuttle drop-offs. It's overwhelming. At work I've found the groove but things are still settling; just assembled my chair, got external monitor a few days back. New machine is pending, still. New friends, shopping on Thanksgiving, IKEA shopping again - yay!, road trip, skiing. Playing FIFA, I can't even put FIFA's euphoria into words. It's an absolute 180° turn from my time back in Washington, DC. I had wanted these things long, very long back since moving out of college in 2011. Nevertheless, here we're.!
Back to flossing after long time, running to continue some exercises. Apparently, I cannot seem to fit swimming - gym's bill and timings into my schedule and budget. Running nonetheless is amazing here, too. I run along Weehawken waterfront that walks parallel to NYC's skyline. Cold breeze slices on windy evenings. I can't wait for the dip in temperature in coming weeks. Rooftop of my apartment is open, giving panoramic view of NYC's skyline. It's absolutely phenomenal. I'm back to reading for good. I engage into novels in an-hour long commute each side. Days have gotten shorter, schedule neatly held up. At times I arrive apartment, freshen up, eat, sleep and head back to work next early morning.

I'm into making further changes: will join gym from coming January. I've begun meditation since this week, I hope to continue it on weekdays, hopefully. I can't wait for this year to end, phew.

PS: This post is from my new lappy! :)

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Goodbye to national capital

For the last time I'm sitting in my endeared balcony. I guess enjoying noise from planes in the sky, sirens from ambulances. Night is beautifully pleasant, close to full moon, breezy. Wrapped in my thoughts, few brooded upon, reliving good memories, burying the heart wrenching ones (Arlington Cemetery is close by). Gazing at small whatsoever Virginia skyline with clear head, empty mind like a clean slate. One on which anything could be etched and everything could be erased, again and again. I am going to miss balcony for an indefinite period of time.
My body is aching and eyes are heavy from all the packing, cleaning. Am moving. This is figuratively and literally, both. I'm moving to the world's financial capital and moving on in my life, further and farther. DC had been the city where I resided, lived more than eighteen months in last more than half-a-decade. I can't believe myself it's been really a long time of more than two and half years. Years pass by but not days, so I've read. Apparently true here.
I've learned things here in DC, pertinent to the spectrum of profession and personal. Few really good, few really really awful. Mixed bagged, as one would have it. DC's colors with unbeatable mix of crowd from different domains, background, politics, finance, policies was nothing more than I could have wished. DC helped me to develop into person with new perspectives, take on new challenges, function and operate with your resolve regardless of the true nature of situations. DC allowed me to explore such a small town by self, took interests in museums, free performances, check out farmer's market and tens of different things right from cupcake to many other insights. I have had the opportunity to travel various cities, few cities multiple times, splendid! I met some really amazing people, people from whom I'm taking tonnes of great learnings, lessons that may be lasting in my memory for the remaining of my life. Teachings about career, how to deal, manage self, workouts, cooking, eating out, finances. I've made some really good friends in the end, that I hope shall stay in touch. I got unrestricted access to finest books for lengthy times, which made days more joyful. My time in DC was tough, harsh. But how only new avenues could tell upon my off-time retrospection.

Last days, mixed feelings they ask. I fail to reply. Whence you say good bye you come to know how much you're going to miss place, people and I reckon vice-versa might be true, too? Not specifically miss to put, but things that were part no longer fill in the life, space and occupy mind. Certainty of someone not arriving, unpredictability of someone joining office and not work from home. All these shades in life, each varying from different person is very colorful. I adore these parts of day-to-day chore. These small things put rhythm in music of life which otherwise gets drab and doleful. I guess I've over the time learnt to say good-byes over frequent moves and new places. Unfortunately and sadly, I've become part of it and I wish to stay a put to this state for good for a good duration now.

I hope I've improved a tad but there's a mammoth sized work to be done to grow, really get along with things, people, situations and whatnot. Time in DC made me realize how, what not I've, lost with respect to life, as a human and how difficult henceforth situations, life, people are going to be. There are a mountain load of things to be learnt, improved. The quest to refinement is endless to me, unfortunately.
I'm looking forward to new life, people, work, colleagues, area, surroundings, challenges, improve to become a human, taste new food, desserts and of course fun times in NYC!

This is my last post from the District, signing out.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Effortlessness

I jostle with numerous things, things that are like cake walk for many. I merely can't figure or make up my mind. It takes me time to convince myself, to gather my thoughts and make route through them. As in whence I'm jabbing keys on this laptop for blogging I've to make some outline of the post, some times it's like a fog, few times I write in multiple seatings, edit, review and again consolidate thoughts. The picture is hazy, where to start, where to end is unclear. 
A decade or so back I was prepping for an entrance exam and during one of the classes we were told physics is about feel. If you can't get it then it is going to be hard. I didn't understand it for many months until practising tens of questions, writing tests I consistently scored in single digits. Later on I quit preparations for the exam and aimed lower for I realized I'm unable to get idea of things quickly, as was needed. 
I realized and practised this thoroughly yet I haven't stopped trying without dedication.

If I'm unable to get a question or method done over months then either I am not for it, or, the approach isn't good. I have pulled the plug in such situation and on retrospection I think it was good. Understanding where I'm not good has been a boon for me. Another instance, if write-ups take longer then idea is certainly an amiss. 
If job hunt isn't going well then either I'm not aiming for appropriate job, or I'm not prepping well when the opportunity arises. Both can also be true. Until I feel this is it and I know this is going be a awesome job hunt is truly an immense psychological burden, it's grossly annoying. None can understand the mental work in applying, waiting, interviewing, scheduling, writing tests, negotiations, relocation, and what not. It's exceedingly tough. It leads to an exertion. It drives insanely anxious.  None I know has enjoyed job hunt. But if there's a feel on the day I'm through with this job hunt, so be it. 
I see and meet people who work crazily. Yet none have them said I've worked so and so night, pulled an all-nighter. Yada-yada. Facial expressions don't dare to convey any fatigue, eyes, smiles. Mitch, none. Even though efforts were put they were effortless for the person. She/He enjoyed and didn't notice that all night has gone, with things rolling. 
This thing is applicable to each and every sphere of life: networking, learnings. Oh, how did I not mention music? If guitar chords aren't felt no matter how tough I try there's going to be a difference who learned by repetitions and other who knows and feels the rhythm. Feel, this same is applicable to relationships, people; many call it connections or clicking. I think this too should be effortless. If the other person is draining then definitely this needs restructuring.  
Well workouts must require efforts though, but lingering of the idea that today I have to workout is an effort. It's going to dampen the enthusiasm and tire you out before lifting or cardio begins. 
Work, friendships, familial relationships, ideas toyed, talks, write-ups, anything if they make me feel stressed out I pull them out and bury them, or change approach. Things and efforts should be smooth, like a painter splendidly dabbing paint brush on canvass, knows how much intensity of color is needed to depict the thoughts. Effortlessly!

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Fall, again

It's 65°-ish Fahrenheit in the District. Evening is serene, save cruising sound of vehicles from highway across the apartment and loud noise from jets from airport near by.  This weather is totally marvelous, I could sit entire night without moving, yet enjoy every moment of it. Pleasantness is immeasurable in the Fall in DC. I'm going to miss it, very very much.
Dawns are bit soggy, misty, foggy. Need an another layer to wrap, absorb a tad chilly weather with a savory tea. Time has changed. I'm inundated with some mixed feelings, doubts, some inhibitions. Things have changed, time has moved on, however, I reckon it's me who hasn't. Probably, time to rectify stuff within self. Not going to roll as always, had been, have been. 
I ponder too hard on how and what causes these changes so slow, that are much needed yet take years to understand, identify, be cognizant of. People are mean, selfish. They are going to lie, absorb anything, nod, roll eyes as if things are beyond perfect, yet when time comes very few would be able to navigate us through. Help us work through to recast the net to widen ourself. I always look for people like that, at least I try; yet I've failed over tens of times. Cause I believe is now understood, gauged.

It's severely hard to unlearn things, ideas worked and practised over years, decades. Fundamental changes. But if not exercised then, it may not be a symbiotic relationship anywhere. I'd rather unlearn things rather shiver at this thought today. I'm enervated with things and people slipping by. Working, thinking all day long, nights more oft than not, still like a lightening situations go awry, to an extent they are unrepairable. It's crucial to work on things that shatter ambitions, goals, self. Committing mistakes and forgetting them hasn't worked with me. It's OK, it shall pass, nothing has gone bad; mitch, not going to fly things. I'm not being rigid, or not letting things go. I guess I'm holding on to things that may help me pass through in a fashion without causing any damage to anyone, with no heavy eyes, for once without burning bridges. I'm letting things and self fall, once again, for a better tomorrow.

It's Fall again for weather, too.
  

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Unanswerable questions

Why we hurt people we love most?
Why do we say unbearable things that we didn't mean to?
Why we say painful things to people we care most?
What is it that fires up within urging to sow venomous seeds in the hearts of people you value the most?
How do we come up with mettle to utter most agonizing, tormenting words to people who respect you more than anything else?
Why don't we understand that it's easy to lose, hurt people than to get along with most beautiful memories of your lifetime?
Why is it not easy to let go people and things you wished for?
Why is it that there are scars for deeds that got unintentionally done?
How do we sleep with thorns in soul after rending apart hearts of people who mean everything?
Why don't we accept things as is and let things fall their own way than relentlessly rescuing them to not to fall in the cracks?
Why is it there's irreparable damage done even when the desire was sinless?
Why is there a hope within us that's chained for things to not let them happen whence they are bound to?
Why is it we run of of patience when we've come all the miles to reach destined place?
Why do we hope against the hope hopen?
What is it that we stop from learning from our mistakes yet, we commit them religiously?
Why is it we cry with our hearts yet tears don't well up?
Why don't we grow up?
What it is that doesn't let the efforts die out for person, thing that abandoned us?
How can we so heartless for someone who was nothing but heart of gold to us?

Why don't we have answers to these and most important questions for life?

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Verve

Some years back I was having a conversation with one of many persons I randomly talk, but this one knows how to handle things, questions in crystal clear manner, without letting emotions cloud judgement. Car was filled with pungent cigarette smokes, it was pitch dark save headlights of the car. Conversation was rambling as it always does with me, like me. Broad strokes about so and so, such and such things.
I had noticed that I was going bored at the end of the destination of things, people, pursuits. The last infinitesimally small percentage feels intensely laborious. It's like dragging a sack. Conversation went on this fact I noticed. Person was as cool like a bar tender taking order, with calm head, regardless of the complex nature of ordered drink. Nothing much was said or provided any detailed explanation but merely - don't put your immense efforts in the beginning of the journey. Let things slow, easy. That would allow not to burn your enthusiasm and saves until end of the ride.
I took this advice in a bit childish way that time and I didn't counter it for I felt this I have to ponder over this more, perhaps again have the talk. I wasn't able to get the message and wasn't able to relate with my experiences. Nonetheless, thereafter, again and again during or beginning of things I played the advice innumerable times in the back of my mind, go slow, don't put mountainous efforts. It helped, it does really. That advice was worth working upon.

This another day, again, I was having an interesting conversation about things, life, conflicts, career path. Missing parts were evening, soaked air of charred tobacco. Anyway, this person is another ultra cool human beings I have ever had the opportunity to meet, talk. We were aware of the things I take situations in, absolute way - either best or the worst. I knew this in the back of my mind and he brought this upon, shared he too has this flaw and has been trying to work upon since many years. Anyway, he is a genius with explaining things in one-liners. Witty, humorous. He responded, keep your eyes on the prize. If you've it in you and you could work your way towards goal start small, say grade-B employer, university admit. Accomplish what you aim for by starting from small platform. Don't wear out the verve in reaching to the best for that's just the beginning of the place for your destination.
I think latter one is more about taking things with little compromise, adjusting and tuning up for further journey.

I some how enjoy such conversations, to keep the energy before it dies out. It gives a different perspective to things, people, and of course life.






Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Endless search

Over the last few months search is a suitable word, if at all, to summarize my thoughts. Apart from actual work I'm held up with things that keep my routine off the balance. Search for a right measure of red chilly powder. It still evades me honestly, its disproportionate quantity never stops me to try another pinch of it whilst cooking. Some times the powder changes, other times, dish gets changed, seldom both changed together.
My quest for right number of laps in swimming pool that neither leaves me too tired, neither have me wanting to exercised more, is still ongoing. Although I think I'm good with the time for brisk walk. I baffle with the right quantity of food to cook. My tiny palms don't get it right on quantity. Unfailingly food is more than it was thought to last. Shoes I'm yet to buy another pair of running shoes, apparently, don't like the ones available in store.
Person, or company, this search looks to have been ongoing for a duration more than I could think. It never was worked individually, but in the back of my mind I'm and was still looking for a great company, enjoyable. Time shared, ideas fought upon, things agreed upon, disagreements.
Career path, I don't need to even go on this. Might be worth to have another post dedicated to this lousy topic. It unarguably deserves time and individual post.
Sleep, of all things I can sort my sleep hours I'd consider great chunk of worries as diminished. Time to call someone in India or in the States as well. If I should ping someone or not. Should I call or would the other person be in movie theatre? The right time to call, talk is another insurmountable challenge. This specific stuff anguishes me beyond any degree.

The list at this moment looks this short, but long enough. All at the same time, some things change, another affected. These modifications are fun for me though. I'm always keen to see new outcome, at times it's body ache, heavy eyes, spicy or bland food, lengthy talk. Uncertainty.

I really don't know if this search ends, at all?