Saturday, October 7, 2017

Goodbye to national capital

For the last time I'm sitting in my endeared balcony. I guess enjoying noise from planes in the sky, sirens from ambulances. Night is beautifully pleasant, close to full moon, breezy. Wrapped in my thoughts, few brooded upon, reliving good memories, burying the heart wrenching ones (Arlington Cemetery is close by). Gazing at small whatsoever Virginia skyline with clear head, empty mind like a clean slate. One on which anything could be etched and everything could be erased, again and again. I am going to miss balcony for an indefinite period of time.
My body is aching and eyes are heavy from all the packing, cleaning. Am moving. This is figuratively and literally, both. I'm moving to the world's financial capital and moving on in my life, further and farther. DC had been the city where I resided, lived more than eighteen months in last more than half-a-decade. I can't believe myself it's been really a long time of more than two and half years. Years pass by but not days, so I've read. Apparently true here.
I've learned things here in DC, pertinent to the spectrum of profession and personal. Few really good, few really really awful. Mixed bagged, as one would have it. DC's colors with unbeatable mix of crowd from different domains, background, politics, finance, policies was nothing more than I could have wished. DC helped me to develop into person with new perspectives, take on new challenges, function and operate with your resolve regardless of the true nature of situations. DC allowed me to explore such a small town by self, took interests in museums, free performances, check out farmer's market and tens of different things right from cupcake to many other insights. I have had the opportunity to travel various cities, few cities multiple times, splendid! I met some really amazing people, people from whom I'm taking tonnes of great learnings, lessons that may be lasting in my memory for the remaining of my life. Teachings about career, how to deal, manage self, workouts, cooking, eating out, finances. I've made some really good friends in the end, that I hope shall stay in touch. I got unrestricted access to finest books for lengthy times, which made days more joyful. My time in DC was tough, harsh. But how only new avenues could tell upon my off-time retrospection.

Last days, mixed feelings they ask. I fail to reply. Whence you say good bye you come to know how much you're going to miss place, people and I reckon vice-versa might be true, too? Not specifically miss to put, but things that were part no longer fill in the life, space and occupy mind. Certainty of someone not arriving, unpredictability of someone joining office and not work from home. All these shades in life, each varying from different person is very colorful. I adore these parts of day-to-day chore. These small things put rhythm in music of life which otherwise gets drab and doleful. I guess I've over the time learnt to say good-byes over frequent moves and new places. Unfortunately and sadly, I've become part of it and I wish to stay a put to this state for good for a good duration now.

I hope I've improved a tad but there's a mammoth sized work to be done to grow, really get along with things, people, situations and whatnot. Time in DC made me realize how, what not I've, lost with respect to life, as a human and how difficult henceforth situations, life, people are going to be. There are a mountain load of things to be learnt, improved. The quest to refinement is endless to me, unfortunately.
I'm looking forward to new life, people, work, colleagues, area, surroundings, challenges, improve to become a human, taste new food, desserts and of course fun times in NYC!

This is my last post from the District, signing out.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017


I jostle with numerous things, things that are like cake walk for many. I merely can't figure or make up my mind. It takes me time to convince myself, to gather my thoughts and make route through them. As in whence I'm jabbing keys on this laptop for blogging I've to make some outline of the post, some times it's like a fog, few times I write in multiple seatings, edit, review and again consolidate thoughts. The picture is hazy, where to start, where to end is unclear. 
A decade or so back I was prepping for an entrance exam and during one of the classes we were told physics is about feel. If you can't get it then it is going to be hard. I didn't understand it for many months until practising tens of questions, writing tests I consistently scored in single digits. Later on I quit preparations for the exam and aimed lower for I realized I'm unable to get idea of things quickly, as was needed. 
I realized and practised this thoroughly yet I haven't stopped trying without dedication.

If I'm unable to get a question or method done over months then either I am not for it, or, the approach isn't good. I have pulled the plug in such situation and on retrospection I think it was good. Understanding where I'm not good has been a boon for me. Another instance, if write-ups take longer then idea is certainly an amiss. 
If job hunt isn't going well then either I'm not aiming for appropriate job, or I'm not prepping well when the opportunity arises. Both can also be true. Until I feel this is it and I know this is going be a awesome job hunt is truly an immense psychological burden, it's grossly annoying. None can understand the mental work in applying, waiting, interviewing, scheduling, writing tests, negotiations, relocation, and what not. It's exceedingly tough. It leads to an exertion. It drives insanely anxious.  None I know has enjoyed job hunt. But if there's a feel on the day I'm through with this job hunt, so be it. 
I see and meet people who work crazily. Yet none have them said I've worked so and so night, pulled an all-nighter. Yada-yada. Facial expressions don't dare to convey any fatigue, eyes, smiles. Mitch, none. Even though efforts were put they were effortless for the person. She/He enjoyed and didn't notice that all night has gone, with things rolling. 
This thing is applicable to each and every sphere of life: networking, learnings. Oh, how did I not mention music? If guitar chords aren't felt no matter how tough I try there's going to be a difference who learned by repetitions and other who knows and feels the rhythm. Feel, this same is applicable to relationships, people; many call it connections or clicking. I think this too should be effortless. If the other person is draining then definitely this needs restructuring.  
Well workouts must require efforts though, but lingering of the idea that today I have to workout is an effort. It's going to dampen the enthusiasm and tire you out before lifting or cardio begins. 
Work, friendships, familial relationships, ideas toyed, talks, write-ups, anything if they make me feel stressed out I pull them out and bury them, or change approach. Things and efforts should be smooth, like a painter splendidly dabbing paint brush on canvass, knows how much intensity of color is needed to depict the thoughts. Effortlessly!

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Fall, again

It's 65°-ish Fahrenheit in the District. Evening is serene, save cruising sound of vehicles from highway across the apartment and loud noise from jets from airport near by.  This weather is totally marvelous, I could sit entire night without moving, yet enjoy every moment of it. Pleasantness is immeasurable in the Fall in DC. I'm going to miss it, very very much.
Dawns are bit soggy, misty, foggy. Need an another layer to wrap, absorb a tad chilly weather with a savory tea. Time has changed. I'm inundated with some mixed feelings, doubts, some inhibitions. Things have changed, time has moved on, however, I reckon it's me who hasn't. Probably, time to rectify stuff within self. Not going to roll as always, had been, have been. 
I ponder too hard on how and what causes these changes so slow, that are much needed yet take years to understand, identify, be cognizant of. People are mean, selfish. They are going to lie, absorb anything, nod, roll eyes as if things are beyond perfect, yet when time comes very few would be able to navigate us through. Help us work through to recast the net to widen ourself. I always look for people like that, at least I try; yet I've failed over tens of times. Cause I believe is now understood, gauged.

It's severely hard to unlearn things, ideas worked and practised over years, decades. Fundamental changes. But if not exercised then, it may not be a symbiotic relationship anywhere. I'd rather unlearn things rather shiver at this thought today. I'm enervated with things and people slipping by. Working, thinking all day long, nights more oft than not, still like a lightening situations go awry, to an extent they are unrepairable. It's crucial to work on things that shatter ambitions, goals, self. Committing mistakes and forgetting them hasn't worked with me. It's OK, it shall pass, nothing has gone bad; mitch, not going to fly things. I'm not being rigid, or not letting things go. I guess I'm holding on to things that may help me pass through in a fashion without causing any damage to anyone, with no heavy eyes, for once without burning bridges. I'm letting things and self fall, once again, for a better tomorrow.

It's Fall again for weather, too.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Unanswerable questions

Why we hurt people we love most?
Why do we say unbearable things that we didn't mean to?
Why we say painful things to people we care most?
What is it that fires up within urging to sow venomous seeds in the hearts of people you value the most?
How do we come up with mettle to utter most agonizing, tormenting words to people who respect you more than anything else?
Why don't we understand that it's easy to lose, hurt people than to get along with most beautiful memories of your lifetime?
Why is it not easy to let go people and things you wished for?
Why is it that there are scars for deeds that got unintentionally done?
How do we sleep with thorns in soul after rending apart hearts of people who mean everything?
Why don't we accept things as is and let things fall their own way than relentlessly rescuing them to not to fall in the cracks?
Why is it there's irreparable damage done even when the desire was sinless?
Why is there a hope within us that's chained for things to not let them happen whence they are bound to?
Why is it we run of of patience when we've come all the miles to reach destined place?
Why do we hope against the hope hopen?
What is it that we stop from learning from our mistakes yet, we commit them religiously?
Why is it we cry with our hearts yet tears don't well up?
Why don't we grow up?
What it is that doesn't let the efforts die out for person, thing that abandoned us?
How can we so heartless for someone who was nothing but heart of gold to us?

Why don't we have answers to these and most important questions for life?

Sunday, September 17, 2017


Some years back I was having a conversation with one of many persons I randomly talk, but this one knows how to handle things, questions in crystal clear manner, without letting emotions cloud judgement. Car was filled with pungent cigarette smokes, it was pitch dark save headlights of the car. Conversation was rambling as it always does with me, like me. Broad strokes about so and so, such and such things.
I had noticed that I was going bored at the end of the destination of things, people, pursuits. The last infinitesimally small percentage feels intensely laborious. It's like dragging a sack. Conversation went on this fact I noticed. Person was as cool like a bar tender taking order, with calm head, regardless of the complex nature of ordered drink. Nothing much was said or provided any detailed explanation but merely - don't put your immense efforts in the beginning of the journey. Let things slow, easy. That would allow not to burn your enthusiasm and saves until end of the ride.
I took this advice in a bit childish way that time and I didn't counter it for I felt this I have to ponder over this more, perhaps again have the talk. I wasn't able to get the message and wasn't able to relate with my experiences. Nonetheless, thereafter, again and again during or beginning of things I played the advice innumerable times in the back of my mind, go slow, don't put mountainous efforts. It helped, it does really. That advice was worth working upon.

This another day, again, I was having an interesting conversation about things, life, conflicts, career path. Missing parts were evening, soaked air of charred tobacco. Anyway, this person is another ultra cool human beings I have ever had the opportunity to meet, talk. We were aware of the things I take situations in, absolute way - either best or the worst. I knew this in the back of my mind and he brought this upon, shared he too has this flaw and has been trying to work upon since many years. Anyway, he is a genius with explaining things in one-liners. Witty, humorous. He responded, keep your eyes on the prize. If you've it in you and you could work your way towards goal start small, say grade-B employer, university admit. Accomplish what you aim for by starting from small platform. Don't wear out the verve in reaching to the best for that's just the beginning of the place for your destination.
I think latter one is more about taking things with little compromise, adjusting and tuning up for further journey.

I some how enjoy such conversations, to keep the energy before it dies out. It gives a different perspective to things, people, and of course life.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Endless search

Over the last few months search is a suitable word, if at all, to summarize my thoughts. Apart from actual work I'm held up with things that keep my routine off the balance. Search for a right measure of red chilly powder. It still evades me honestly, its disproportionate quantity never stops me to try another pinch of it whilst cooking. Some times the powder changes, other times, dish gets changed, seldom both changed together.
My quest for right number of laps in swimming pool that neither leaves me too tired, neither have me wanting to exercised more, is still ongoing. Although I think I'm good with the time for brisk walk. I baffle with the right quantity of food to cook. My tiny palms don't get it right on quantity. Unfailingly food is more than it was thought to last. Shoes I'm yet to buy another pair of running shoes, apparently, don't like the ones available in store.
Person, or company, this search looks to have been ongoing for a duration more than I could think. It never was worked individually, but in the back of my mind I'm and was still looking for a great company, enjoyable. Time shared, ideas fought upon, things agreed upon, disagreements.
Career path, I don't need to even go on this. Might be worth to have another post dedicated to this lousy topic. It unarguably deserves time and individual post.
Sleep, of all things I can sort my sleep hours I'd consider great chunk of worries as diminished. Time to call someone in India or in the States as well. If I should ping someone or not. Should I call or would the other person be in movie theatre? The right time to call, talk is another insurmountable challenge. This specific stuff anguishes me beyond any degree.

The list at this moment looks this short, but long enough. All at the same time, some things change, another affected. These modifications are fun for me though. I'm always keen to see new outcome, at times it's body ache, heavy eyes, spicy or bland food, lengthy talk. Uncertainty.

I really don't know if this search ends, at all?

Monday, August 21, 2017


Past couple of weeks I was on the road. Traveling, again sightseeing, checking out places. Shopping was inevitable and so was late night wakefulness. Neither any amount of sleep nor food had done a great justice to bring me back to the full enthusiasm equivalent of the day bygone. I seemed to lack something. Travel or schedule wasn't packed to the full, either.

I saw many faces, many people, families, groups and sea of people at most touristic places in the world. If anything I enjoyed besides walking, getting rattled whilst being lost in navigation during travel were toddlers, infants. I dote these little creatures.
Toddlers, I wish I can weave my thoughts for these enthusiastic folks. They are unstoppable with their cries, energy, wails, countless attempts, reticent smiles. They are going to do anything, everything within their reach. They never seemed fulfilled with any action, however small or big its might be. Their tiny little hands racing, eyes scanning surrounding, tiny palms pattering parents, fragile legs weak yet strong enough to carry their weight for awhile, no longer. Nothing is new, yet, every move is afresh. Gibbered, indiscernible, incomplete sentences flowing, fully intent to convey thoughts, in vain. They want to utter so many things yet can't speak any tangible string of words from their tens of thoughts. Their eyes beam with an unimaginable spark, often accompanied by impromptu laughter.
New day, same mountain of efforts are pulled out from their paraphernalia. They are untiring, stubbornly relentless that parents start scolding and not let them go for another fruitless voyage. There's an unending fountain of verve in these, one which I dream everyday for, to be tapped, to have self fresh and motivated.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Sunday morning

Over the last few years I've come more as a morning person than nocturnal. Waking up by seven o'clock or eight to the late, even on weekends. I get restless otherwise, mind and body don't need excess of nothing. Weekend mornings tend to be quiet here in the district. Most of the people were either awake until morning for drinks, or busy gaming, TV series, talking politics. This city loves politics. If you're in the district then you'll not escape from the the bug of politics. You'll often see black and long cars of congressmen, entourage of Harley-Davidson police motorcycles with sirens blaring. Politics and power.

This city is a prime destination for tourists when it's not cold. I've never had a chance to venture out to enjoy the luxuries of a tourist - to bite breakfast. I incredibly love going to old-fashioned joints whence on travels, grab something to eat, savor coffee, pour again and soak coffee's nose flaring smell. Sit, order, wait patiently for warm breakfast, stirring sugar in bone-china coffee mug with spoon clanks, fiddling with the left-overs. Taking time to eat, with none of the things bothering, sipping coffee. I miss those times. 
I had wanted to be traveler this time in DC - to have breakfast. I woke up without alarm, looked for a joint near the Capitol Hill. The weather was moist with humidity, warming up for the heat ahead of day and showers. I reached destination without much fuss. As I was by self I initially sat on the booth (bartender one), got hold of the morning newspaper along with ordered coffee. Turning paper around, avoiding any gloomy news. After few minutes I got ruffled with last night's ingredients on the booth and moved to another separate table. The restaurant was not full to the capacity but crowd was bustling in. Infants neither eating, nor having their parents eat. I ordered something warm to eat, pouring coffee after coffee from thermos. 
I didn't realize by the time my plate was empty, my attention was all around - kids, coffee, newspaper, mind racing, trying to live as much on a nice Sunday morning. I asked for the bill while sipping coffee. I paid and sat to read newspaper. I am fond of rustles of page turn-over and nothing is more fulfilling than a fresh newspaper in morning and coffee (at times tea). I decided not to go coffee high and headed back to apartment, feeling content.    
PS: I went to Ted's Bulletin

Saturday, July 8, 2017


I often get agitated with things, the way they remain calm and refuse to budge. Perhaps for me things have not been rolling, or maybe I like things flowing, prefer things that change their course keeping me on the go. Things tend to slow down in mid-life and slowest in old age unlike childhood where time flies insanely fast. I was told about this and its analogy with three clock hands long back in summers. I've gotten old that could be another plausible explanation.

For some reason these thoughts perplex me. At times I agree to them, sometimes I fret over them. If I look around I see people doing same things for years and years some successfully, some in vain yet giving their best. If I take example from tennis sport the big four never let their matches to any other and have retained their supremacy on different tennis courts for over a decade now. Other players never gave up, the older ones are not letting thing give up too, quite evident from 2017's win in Australian Open by Roger Federer. There have been ups and downs in their careers, injuries, challenges, and such, yet pursuit remains same.  
I look at singers, musicians. These folks perform same songs, almost similar music on variety of different occasions. Stage changes, crowd changes, country changes yet the work remains same. Same melody, same cheers from people, same equipments. Isn't it fascinating? Yet, I get bored with same tasks in my routine with same people, same desk, same route. If you know about painters they make same painting over and over again until the idea reflected on canvas is devoid of imperfection. 

Then there are people who I have seen changing career like nothing but cake walk. From combinatorial mathematics to biology, from physics to biology, from physics to software developer to computational biologist. From waiter to photographer to actor as in the case of Boman Irani. The list wouldn't thin out. Ever looked at entrepreneurs? Elon Musk, Richard Branson, Jeff Bezos, the families of Birlas, Tatas, Ambanis, they all have diversified interests. Few ventures failed whereas few took off. My point is people change careers, their preferences all the time. Few make through it, others don't. Some were compelled to drive their careers as their life took toll, some out of curiosity made transition. 

Apparently, I don't seem to enjoy redundancy. I start to wear out if learnings stop, situations don't progress. I feel boxed, rattled. Static situations scare me out. The perception of stability is a far fetched reality to me. I think things, ideas should be dynamic. I don't know how or what's good or bad in this. Perhaps the company or companionship you be in govern this, but again I couldn't never fit myself into anyone's camaraderie, too. I always look for something that is unavailable around me, eventually leading to chase the wind. I'm yet to find a a niche that could help me grow at a static pace, keeping myself in a dynamic environment. Maybe someday I could create that niche for myself since it has been nonexistent.  If not then the pursuit might not never end.

Friday, July 7, 2017

Tourist places revisited

Living in a small town gives a lot of mobility, or so I believe. Excuses for not checking out new things, events, places or even revisiting places you've been to get depleted. Of course, it's applicable to things you're interested for otherwise regardless of location, size of town, buildings, theaters, gardens, popular spots remain for namesake. May be for some clicking selfie though.
It had been a long time I had gone to museums or attended any performance. Some how spaghetti situations got hold me, yikes. Visiting museums is delightful to me albeit not for many people whom I know. Others find museums boring, just throwing looks as if checking photos on smartphone with no interest or insignificant joy.
One of the many reasons I enjoy museums in the District of Columbia is that they are free, yay! Not all are free, but mostly. There are wealth of things to look, read and learn from these places, free of cost. If you enjoy graphics, high-resolution colored photos, reading tonnes of material then museums are definitely a to go. Museums give a larger picture in chronological order, different timelines, how and what situations led to any unfortunate event or fortunate event, crises, geopolitical factors, discoveries and plenty of other information. If you don't enjoy reading, get tired of standing and love being lazy museums have free guided tours. Hours of material, broader information could be gathered from tours. I've shared interests in politics, of understanding things from multiple points, again and again reading, knowing stuff inked in the history, that makes me fond of museums.

Recently, I again went to Natural history of museum and air and space museum. Reaching or getting back from these is a fuss for both these have multiple entrances and uber picks location which neither passenger can explain nor driver can understand. Natural history can keep you busy for any number of hours with variety of stuffed animals, different documentaries, colored stones, gigantic fish. Simply unbelievable. From jewelry to bison, monkeys, things connoting back to millions or even billions of years, insects, photo gallery and many other things. Absolutely fascinating. I missed few things during my first visit and I again missed few things. Erm.
At Air and space museum ideas revolve around physics, energy, engines, gadgets that were never within my comprehensibility. Nevertheless, I liked the section with different gliders, ships, dresses of world war have been exhibited. I had already watched documentary in auditorium so this time I didn't check that out. It has sections for people to play around with machines to understand laws of physics. Air and space is all about rockets, meteors and such. It didn't take me long time to visit sections I had wanted to again. Not much enticing for me but great to know about of technologies in different wars. 

When I visit these places I see hoards of people, kids, families, people who took vacations from different countries, different cities from the US. There's a different vibe of energy, excitement in these people which I enjoy by visiting these places. Their sole purpose is to enjoy these places in stipulated time to take away a new bag of memories. To me there's a certain degree of splendidness to witness smiles, tiredness, shining eyes, kids wailing, older family members resting. More than knowledge, colors, documentaries it is this beauty that I go for and love to see again and again.